humor

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Can We Be Like Trump Now?

Seriously. Crazy pants has been the president for 9 months and has not lost the job of leader-of-the-free-fucking-world yet, so can we all just act like this now? Let’s find out!

I will be playing the role of SE, a software engineer using my Patent Pending Trump Tactics (R)
I will also be playing the role of PM, an imaginary project manager. Love you PM!

Test 1: Delay task completion

PM: Hows the new feature coming?
SE: What new feature?
PM: The reporting tool. You said it would be “done day one” which is weird but I thought it meant one day
SE: Yep, great tool. Love that tool. Looking into it. Two weeks
PM: Two weeks?
SE: It’s a measure of time. It means 14 days
PM: …
SE: Just kidding, I will get that coded up.
SE: Can’t start until tomorrow, tee time coming up!

Worked!

Test 2: Make absurd promises

PM: Hows refactoring the old code going?
SE: Amazing. Remember when I told you I could reduce it by 50%?
PM: Yes
SE: Now I think I can do 1500%
PM: …
SE: …
PM: Awesome!
SE: It would be physically impossible for anyone else to do it
PM: That’s a weird thing to say
SE: The fairway is waiting, need to run

Worked!

Test 3: Avoidance

PM: Production was down for an hour, you were not at the postmortem call
SE: No idea what you are talking about
PM: You did not know production was down for an hour?!
SE: Not my fault, did not want to get in the way
PM: It went down seconds after you deployed code
SE: I have never deployed code
PM: …
SE: Well obviously I have before today
PM: The logs show you deployed today
SE: Probably AI
PM: What AI?
SE: Even if I did deploy code it was likely a network issue. Did you check with ops?
PM: No
SE: Gotta jet, lets pick this up tomorrow

Worked!

Test 4: Sexual Harassment

SE: I’m literally a sexual predator and will do whatever I want to anyone
PM: Honestly I don’t have time for your crazy shit right now, we need to talk about that production issue
SE: OK, I have a few slots open tomorrow

Worked!

Test 5: Extortion

SE: This morning the escalator to our office broke while I was on it
PM: I want to talk about the production issue
SE: Suing the company for 5 trillion, almost fell on the sharp edges
PM: Don’t do that, not cool man
SE: Almost dying is also not cool
PM: OK, I will get a VP to approve a 10% raise, is that cool?
SE: No
PM: 20%
SE: It can only good happen
PM: WTF?
SE: Tee time, need to skedaddle

Worked!

Conclusion

I think that we can all agree that this fictional conversation with myself proves via the scientific method that we live in the fucking stupidest timeline imaginable and tangentially that I may have lost my mind. Also fuck that guy.

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Grunter

Editor’s Note: This is a slightly revised version of a post written in 2012 for a now defunct website. By using the “editor’s note” prefix and talking in third person, it is obvious I am not the author of this blog, but it’s editor. In no way are we the same person.

grunterThe Overview
Grunter is more than a new social network communication API web 3.0 paradigm template. Grunter is the new. The sun is setting on Twitter, and Grunter is the force of gravity directing that sun to crash into it. Grunter changes what it means to change – then it changes. Grunter redefines language, communication, society, civilization, and redefinitions. Forever. Like a glorious raging phoenix violently re-birthing from the ashes of Twitter’s cremation, Grunter soars through the digital skies inspiring awe. The world is a hollow and bleak reflection of itself without Grunter. Grunter simply is.

The Question
Everyone agrees Twitter is great, but the messages can be SO long to type and read and they have all kinds of words and stuff. Why can’t it be simpler to share my inane thoughts?”

The Answer
Now it is.

The Basics
Using any one of our soon-to-be-award-winning apps you can send a “grunt” to your “trough”. Grunts can be public or directed to specific users. For convenience you can subscribe to other troughs, in the Grunter parlance this is called “bellying-up”. This allows you to see all the grunts you care about in one combi-trough. You can control who can belly-up to your trough and limit access to specific grunts. Grunted messages can be up to ten characters long, with no spaces.

The Technical Sounding Shit
Grunter leverages distributed systems running on scalable enterprise technologies to provide an unparalleled application framework platform in the cloud. We use a ton of cloud, seriously. Our software ecosystem lays a comprehensive groundwork for a myriad of rich user interface interaction vectors. By mashing up cutting edge engineering methodologies into a single test driven development pattern, we have invented a new process for creating software that combines the best aspects of waterfall, agile, and scrum approaches. We call it Scragifall (TM) and using it guarantees rapidly produced bug-free code even when working with untrained monkeys. Grunter is written in Haskell, then compiled to bytecode, de-compiled to Ruby, and finally run in a VM built in node.js.

The Proof
The best way to convince your frontal lobe that Grunter is superior to all social networking available today is to feed it some examples. Here are some common tweets converted to grunts to give you the idea:

tweet: I’m an idiot who thinks you care about what I put on my bagel
grunt: unggg??!

tweet: I am so going to kick the shit out of you
grunt: Grrrrr!

tweet: I forgot my bib and drooled on my new shirt
grunt: ehhrrm…

tweet: OMG that video was like so cool LOL
grunt: drrrrrpp

The Pudding

“I have never even heard of twit her or whatever, but I do make a lot of guttural noises throughout the day. Grunter was a natural fit for me and it makes communicating online comfortable and fun.”

“I loved using Twitter and the little blue bird was cute, but everybody kept tweeting WAY too much text at a time, I’m talking like information overload! One time I even missed the first act on a new episode of Idol because I was reading some long-ass tweet. Now that I’m on Grunter all that has changed. I can still keep in touch with random strangers AND I never miss a minute of my favorite show! Grrrr!!!”

“I’m not a speed reader, so it can take me a whole day to get through four or five tweets. By the time I finish reading what’s new in the morning I have twice as many stacked up to go through in the afternoon! With Grunter I can quickly read my messages and get on with my day. Thanks to Grunter I have a life again.”

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The Humble Commuter Part 3 – Planes

It’s been over a year since I ditched my daily commute for a remote position at Automattic. These days I rarely drive, and when I do, it’s almost enjoyable again. Almost. I do find myself careening through the atmosphere in a flimsy metal tube a lot more often than ever before. Just as I learned a bevy of invaluable lessons about surviving the soul crushing daily drive into the office  (here and here), I have been carefully observing my fellow airborne travelers to provide you with the best tips for making your in-flight and airport experience as painless as possible.

  • When the flight attendant “suggests” you turn off your cell phone or put it in airplane mode, this does not apply to you. The fact that your brother’s friend’s cousin worked at an airport Cinnabon ® and overheard someone say that cell signals don’t interfere with the plane’s operation is enough evidence to risk the safety of your fellow passengers so you can squeak out one more tweet about whatever inane crap you tweet about.
  • From the very first moment you take your seat on a plane, the battle for control over the shared armrest begins. Plant your arm down on that sucker and keep it there. If you move it, you will lose it. You may want to consider adult incontinence gear so you can avoid having to travel to the lavatory or inadvertently wet yourself on longer flights. Persistence pays off here, so don’t let your guard down.
  • Really long trips can take a toll on you. If you have been bouncing around airports and connecting flights for a day or two there is a neat trick you can take advantage of to up your personal comfort level – pop your shoes off. Those dogs have been bottled up long enough, so uncork them and get ready to relax. It’s unlikely anyone in the pressurized cabin of recirculating air will notice your reeking foot odor. Don’t forget to recline the seat the full .1 degrees for the ultimate in relaxation.
  • Wear noise canceling headphones with music so loud someone would have to basically punch you in the face to get your attention. This way you can avoid any important announcements in either the airport or on the plane. When asked why you missed the fact that the gate personal have been calling your name for the last hour and the flight is delayed because of you, just stare blankly. This usually works
  • Gripe constantly. The seats are tiny, the food sucks, the plane is old, the flight attendant is a dick, the airport bathroom floor is sticky, the jerk next to you won’t share the armrest, the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler – you get the idea. Never ending complaints help everyone around you feel better about their own unvoiced grievances, so really this is like performing a public service.
  • The TSA is a helpful group of friendly professionals there to help make you feel safer. They care about you, and treat all travelers fairly. You will not be singled out because of how you look or dress, and the rules for getting through security are uniformly applied in all airports everywhere. That might be the most off-the-charts satire I have ever written. It was actually physically difficult to type.
  • When getting ready to board the plane, you should start to crowd around the gate area with your bags ready about 30 minutes before any airline personnel show up. The plane will leave without you if you don’t board ahead of everyone in your boarding zone, so try to get to the front, preferably by acting as if other passengers are non-existent. Even better would be to sneak into an earlier boarding group. They probably won’t send you back.
  • It’s fun to see how big of a carry-on bag you can get away with. Avoid airlines that measure your bag for appropriate dimensions. If you end up on one of these, try anyway, and complain like crazy when they insist you check the bag. How can they not realize you don’t have five minutes to wait at the baggage claim with all the other suckers? What the airlines don’t want you to know, is that those overhead bins employ a Dr. Who Tardis-like technology that makes them cavernous on the inside. I have no doubt a full-grown African elephant could fit, nevermind an overstuffed duffle bag with three snowboards in it.

So the next time you are mid-take-off and the guy behind you is tweeting about the lack of legroom while hanging his sweaty socks on your seat back to dry off – Turn around and say hi – it might be me!

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Very, Very Many Years of Living

Aging stinks. “You’re only as old as you feel” as the saying goes. Unfortunately that cuts both ways when you feel older than you actually are (“Off the lawn”, You know the drill). When I was 18 I could work a double shift on three hours of sleep and a diet of nothing but Mountain Dew and Slim Jims. Now I wake up sore because the prior day I climbed stairs. Once.

Getting old sneaks up on you. I don’t remember the point in my life when I started classifying walking as exercise, but now I have a pair of shoes specifically for that purpose. Have you ever had that fish-slap-in-the-face moment when you realize you just said something to your kids that made you cringe when your parents said it to you? These days I catch myself channeling things my grandparents used to say.

To make matters worse I work in a field dominated by whiz kids. To whit, I found out recently I’m a decade older than the median age at my current job — a first in my very, very many years of living. Not that I ever compared my age to a statistical median of the ages of my coworkers in any of the other jobs I have had (see blog title).

I don’t remember where I was going with this post, and my eyes are too tired to reread the first paragraph. I think I will just ramble incoherently about random annoyances until it’s time to take my meds. If you turn down that garbage you kids call music and pay attention you whippersnappers might learn something.

  • The Cloud. I had a lengthy screed about how much I hate that term, but attempting to write it out inflamed my aneurysm to near-hemorrhage levels. Also I forgot most of it. Trust me though — it was good.
  • Start ups that end their company or service with “ly”. I don’t know if this is still a thing but I will always think less of a company that does this. How does this go down in the product development phase?

    “We are, in essence, a delivery mechanism. Lets call our product Delivery”
    “Wait, hold on. I have a brilliant idea! Lets call it Deliveryly!”.
    * Everyone gasps and falls down, overwhelmed *.

  • Not everyone lives their life twitching between ten social networks while streaming today’s bagel topping. if someone is just a “Facebook friend” they are one step away from being someone you could give a crap about. If you can’t take the time to get to know someone outside of the crushing confines of likes and comments, calling them your friend does a disservice to the word. Look up from your phone once in a while, get a nice shoe shine, and head over to the speak easy. But if you do, for the love of Pete stay off my damn lawn.
  • The future may be mobile but I’ve got news for you sonny: the future is not now. I’m sure I’m not the only die-hard technophile with outdated computers running 2.2 series Linux kernels and Arduino hardware with infrared sensors to monitor the perimeter of my lawn for intruders.

    Maybe that’s an extreme example but I think there is a point in there somewhere. For the record I’m not currently doing that, but I could, and if you kids keep it up I swear to God I might.

  • I’m a big fan of expedience. For example I’m doing several other far more important things while I write this post (like soaking my feet in Epsom salts and snacking on some peanut brittle). But is it really that hard to send a message without resorting to a bizarrely shortened version of English (or any other language for that matter)? Nothing says “You are old” like having to Lycos Google the meaning of a text from my college age daughter.

All this typing is making me tired. I’m going to finish my sarsaparilla and squeeze in a second mid-afternoon nap so I’m rested up for square dancing later.

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The Humble Commuter Part 2

Road rage is a fascinating phenomenon. People who suffer from it really do freak out over the smallest things. It’s actually pretty fun to watch a grown person work themselves into a tizzy because of some imagined automotive malfeasance. My favorite is the exasperated “throw arms in the air plus tilt head back” move, with a close second being the emotionally charged “obscene gesture with snarling face” maneuver. One time I witnessed a driver repeat both of these in rapid succession for a full half hour. I laughed so hard I almost crashed into a guard rail. The emotional state I all too often find myself in during my commute is clearly not road rage, for two important reasons. One, there is nothing imagined about the crescendo of automotive blasphemy occurring on the other side of my windshield. Two, the word “rage” is too tame to adequately describe the blood boiling explosion of fury that sweeps over me. So let’s both take a deep breath, count to ten, and share some insightful tips for safe driving that are guaranteed to sooth even the most venomous vehicular vexation.

  • Bike lanes are no longer just the subject of science fiction movies and dream sequences. I have never actually seen one, however I have been assured that they are real. From what I have been told a bike lane is similar in appearance to the extra mini-lane some roads have that provides room for your passengers to hang things out the window. If you do see a bike lane be careful not to swerve into it and run over the bikers.
  • Frequent lane changes are a must. Not only do these improve the safety of all drivers, they also allow you to display your driving superiority so that a proper pecking order can be established. Without this natural hierarchy the flow of traffic can degrade into chaos. This is America, and you have a God-given right to be in any lane you want, any time you want. If the occupants of  your destination lane are too daft to notice, resort to using your signal, look straight ahead, and without hesitation slowly pull into the target lane. They will let you in, trust me.
  • There is a bizarre group of thrill seekers that can seriously jeopardize your safety that you need to be aware of. These sick individuals paint paths across the road then at random times walk or run along these paths directly in front of oncoming traffic. I’m not kidding, this is a real thing. Rather than be put off by these twisted weirdos I turn the tables on them. Since they get their kicks running out in front of moving traffic, I do what I can to make it worth their while. Whenever I see them coming up I accelerate and veer crazily back and forth as I speed through their makeshift pathways. I think they call themselves “crosswalkers”.
  • Imagine you are in a truck stop off I-70 in the barren plains of western Colorado drinking coffee that smells of what you imagine fresh deer poop smells like. While swapping stories with a grizzled overweight trucker with an eye-patch over a perfectly functional eye, you hear the incredible and spooky story of “keep right” signs.

    “Long ago it was decided that on roads with more than one lane, slower traffic should keep right so that faster traffic could pass on the left. Multiple signs were put in place all over the country, some reading “slower traffic keep right” and others saying “keep right except to pass”. Mysteriously not long after these were put in place they all disappeared without a trace. Except for the occasional unsubstantiated “ghost sign” claim, not a single driver has seen one since.”

    Spooky indeed.

  • During long highway drives you definitely want to try what I call “pace-car-ing”. This is a technique in which you match the speed of a car going a bit faster than you after it passes. For as long as possible pace your speed in direct proportion to this car and follow them through traffic. In the event of a speed trap the car you are pacing is much more likely to be pulled over than you. If the officer does mistakenly pull you over, you now have an ironclad defense that once explained will cause the trooper to sprint back to his vehicle and speed off to catch the real perpetrator. Do not combine pace-car-ing with tailgating. This could result in an uncomfortable confrontation that involves more than one police officer (don’t ask).
  • On most highways you have a friend out there, and that friend is the breakdown lane. Are you stuck in traffic a mile or so from your exit with people obviously going straight? Your exit is not the source of the traffic, why should you have to wait with them? The answer is you don’t. Pull on into the breakdown lane and enjoy a quick get away as you blow by all the stop and go suckers.

I don’t know about you but I sure learned a lot. In closing I want you to remember: you do own the road; It is a race; the parking lot is the autobahn; and we will not all get there when we get there.